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november
niki here, perhaps i’m back from my break. a lot has changed since i last.. tumbld? anyways. i got him back for a few hours and after a whole year it felt wonderful, until i realised i meant nothing to him afterwards. just pointless, messy stupid fun. what a waste of time. and now he’s all about her.. perfect hair, skin, clothes, amazing dancer and singer, cute body, had the hottest boyfriend ever previously and now she’s got him. my him.
so you can imagine i felt like shit. but it’s okay. i tried to get up. i quit drinking and partying. for a while, atleast. i started trying harder in school and taking more me time. me time included hanging up christmas lights, buying new slippers and superstore clothes, cleaning my room, taking pictures, things like that. it wasn’t that glamorous but it gave me time to literally drown myself in my own thoughts. which wasn’t that bad at times.
self esteem was pretty low, hair still pretty short, skin still not it’s possible perfectness. the job was coming along well, besides the cranky customers, impatient coworkers and sore feet, it was alright. oh, and super difficult might i add. paychecks… decent, blown in a few days of course, but atleast not on booze anymore. it’s a step right? not that i’m this crazy alcoholic. i’m not. i wasn’t. but hey.. out of control could definitely fit in there somewhere.
but i’m trying. and it’s.. it’s working slowly. and just like she said. niki, i know you’re not doing well, but once you hit rock bottom, it can only get better and it will.
no, not rock bottom addictions wise, rock bottom emotions wise.
things aren’t perfect but lets face it they never were. things have changed but when have they not been in a constant whirlwhind of change. i still want hermiones dress as my prom dress. i still want tattoos. i still want to have an apartment and all that jazz. and i’ve got my eye on him. this time it’s not my him , althought i’ll be honest when i say he’ll never pass me in the hall or on the streets without catching my eye, and i’ll always notice when he’s talking to her. it’s just one of those things. and i can’t change that.
so anyways, i’ve concluded that felt great.
see you around more, perhaps, tumblr?
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HI MY 11 FOLLOWERS. down like half from before! i just gave up on tumblr for a while. went on a vaca, which was fabulous, btw, besides my incurable homesickness. anyways, lots has changed since my last tumbllllrrr things. and i’ve wrote a lot. a lot a lot. so maybe i’ll come back. my tumblarity is fucking ZERO. HOLLLLLAAAAA. anyways. kind of a crazy rant going on here. that’s cool. my eyebrows need a trim and i want some soup. and my hair to grow. grrr. cya laaater.
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one last day in the shadows
its like im sitting in the backseat watching the shapes of my old self sinking farther and farther away below the horizon leaving my eyes for the ( very? ) last time. my eyes are hooked on a mental addiction for something called “change” but i figure it could slip in to my life by itself as easily as it pleases if only i allow it to be so. i don’t even know what it is, really, change is nothing to me but a constant confusion of adjusting to new thoughts and surroundings that are foreign and frightening, and i’m exploding with ideas and thoughts and things i tried to bury, but 6 feet under ain’t far enough for my wandering mind to find these days. it’s almost like something inside longs to be lost, like the paved roads aren’t good enough unless they were the twisting turning slap in the face struggles that send me some directions every time they please. don’t try to figure it out, why try to figure it out? there’s no meaning behind, and if there was what’s it’s purpose? write it down on paper. make a mental note, that’s as far as it’ll go. for now, i’m fine with being stuck in the middle of everything and nothing making up the recipe of my life, never staying the same, just welcoming what ever comes my way and taking it however i happen to manage. if that, makes any sense, it’s concluded my mindset, and like i said, i’m sitting in the backseat, fate’s been driving and
i’m not quite ready to take the wheel.
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im going to search high and low all over the world to find a prom dress like this. annoying how i couldnt find a full size picture. if anyone has a full size one or finds one, email it to me :) ?
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dancing dirt into the snow
i wen to bed at 8:00 pm last night. slept in till 10:30. had a variety of wierd dreams. and now i’m already ready for the day, hair makeup clothing and all. and i have been for a while. but yet i have nothing to do today! i have a lot of ideas for writing so maybe i could do that. oh, maybe i will! yes im going to go for a walk, with my camera and some paper and penssss. hopefully create a few beautiful things? and soon i’m going to san fransisco with krystal. or maybe seattle. but san fransisco would be better and i’m deciding to live under the laws of the sixteenth summer so maybe i just should. okay, i will. hmmmm. i feel like i have more things to say
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oh my fucking god. so i had three dreams last night. one was about the most beautiful guy i have ever met in my life, holy, it was good. and then the next was about everyone catching this disease ( basically like i am legend or 28 days later ) and then i was scared to go home or talk to anyone, and i saw my brother and he was driving in his car and wouldnt let me in cause we trying to commit suicide. most freaky shit of my life.
except for the first dream, wouldnt mind that coming true.
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today is thursday
today is thursday and today my new olympus 520 arrived. im in a better mood and i really want to watch harry potter before i go on holiday- i can’t wait to get away as i’ve gained this mentality that everything will magically get better as soon as im lying on a beach and i don’t have to deal/think/do anything. i still need to figure out what i wanna do with my summer via a checklist…
when i pass the time pressing next page on this tumblr dashboard, the things that come to mind are that i’ve never seen the same photo twice, i’ve never seen someone post all of their own photography, no wander all these people are insecure because they spend their time oggling things that they call beautiful and comparing themselves and the people that blog every hour of every day, do they blog that much because theres no one else to listen?
i’m going to lunch with the family. sit and smile sit and smile.
oh i completely agree, i could never put that into words as well as you did though!
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so i woke up at 8 and im going to playland. with ameh. and i know when i get home there will be like, approximately 18578327598237643876384 pages of tumblr posts that i will be very tempted to read. people are on tumblr, a lot, like a lot a lot. i dont think i could do that, it’s so nice out, and posting OTHER peoples stuff IS inspiring, but it’s not releasing much full potential. so hm. might have to relax on this tumblr thing, probably wont though, haha.
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I MISS DANCING.
why did i miss july classes. have i been doing anything better? no, no way.
august = dance = <3
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Relax, you don’t have to explain yourself to everyone.
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(via welcometothepointofnoreturn)
its me! krystal and you and i all look a lot different now. hair-wise, at least :P
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